Today, December 13th 2014, I'm grateful. More than yesterday, I'm grateful.
It is slightly surreal to me that today I am celebrating my 50th birthday and there's something about another 'zero' birthday rolling around that sends most people into a frenzy but I don't feel that way in the slightest.
I've spent this past few weeks in a constant state of reflection, pondering over key moments in my life, mistakes, triumphs, beautiful and loving people and some people that are just painful memories of my past. (although, they had something to teach me also.)
Throughout this time of introspection, I didn't reach an absolute conclusion about anything in particular, but there were some tears, both happy and sad and a general feeling of satisfaction about where I am as I reach this amazing milestone.
I've never been a vain person so turning 50 doesn't faze me in the slightest in the physical realm. Very purposefully this year, I allowed my natural 'salt and pepper' hair colour to shine through, wearing it now like a badge of honour. I've rightly earnt that!
Wrinkles, or character lines, as I like to call them and those inevitable 'saggy' bits that none of us will escape from no matter how hard some people try, are all a natural part of what makes us who we are, and I've got them too. I remember my Auntie telling me many years ago that we earn the lines on our faces and whether the lines turn up or down, whether we've chosen to smile or frown, we've earnt them all.
The shape and size of my body doesn't make me who I am and at this stage of my life, I'm more concerned with the condition of my soul.
I've done the whole 'body' thing, the worrying, obsessing, exercising to extremes (that I can hardly bear to think about now) and starving and binging my way through many years of my early 40's in an attempt to fill the massive void that existed in my sad and yearning heart. As you can imagine, none of these attempts to manipulate and alter the external brought me anything but a whole lot of pain, broken relationships and a heart more void of substance than ever before.
It wasn't until my 'heart work' began that any lasting results came to the fore, and this certainly didn't happen without an internal fight like none I'd ever experienced before. I believe 'heart work' is one of those work in progress situations where there's no destination to reach and where the constant evolving is what grows and sustains us. I know I'm not alone.
Let me just say though, it isn't for the faint of heart!
Sadly, I've lost some valued friends along the way and extended family ties have often been strained to the point of exhaustion as I've walked my own uniquely designed path and accepted my role in this world as the non-conformist that I am. My inner hippie came out of her tiny little closet and began her often uncoordinated dance, to a tune that apparently only she could hear.
These days, I don't immerse myself in things or activities that pain me....not even to simply please another. I don't have time.
Our time in this world is precious and finite, something that only became 'slap in the face' clear to me after my recovery.
What I do have time for however, is an abundance of love and quality interactions with others. I have time for sharing my humanness with an open heart, warts and all and I have time to listen with the same open heart to the realness of others as we walk this path home together.
Today, I'm proud to say, I'm 50. I made it!
Today, December 13th 2014, I'm grateful.
It is slightly surreal to me that today I am celebrating my 50th birthday and there's something about another 'zero' birthday rolling around that sends most people into a frenzy but I don't feel that way in the slightest.
I've spent this past few weeks in a constant state of reflection, pondering over key moments in my life, mistakes, triumphs, beautiful and loving people and some people that are just painful memories of my past. (although, they had something to teach me also.)
Throughout this time of introspection, I didn't reach an absolute conclusion about anything in particular, but there were some tears, both happy and sad and a general feeling of satisfaction about where I am as I reach this amazing milestone.
I've never been a vain person so turning 50 doesn't faze me in the slightest in the physical realm. Very purposefully this year, I allowed my natural 'salt and pepper' hair colour to shine through, wearing it now like a badge of honour. I've rightly earnt that!
Wrinkles, or character lines, as I like to call them and those inevitable 'saggy' bits that none of us will escape from no matter how hard some people try, are all a natural part of what makes us who we are, and I've got them too. I remember my Auntie telling me many years ago that we earn the lines on our faces and whether the lines turn up or down, whether we've chosen to smile or frown, we've earnt them all.
The shape and size of my body doesn't make me who I am and at this stage of my life, I'm more concerned with the condition of my soul.
I've done the whole 'body' thing, the worrying, obsessing, exercising to extremes (that I can hardly bear to think about now) and starving and binging my way through many years of my early 40's in an attempt to fill the massive void that existed in my sad and yearning heart. As you can imagine, none of these attempts to manipulate and alter the external brought me anything but a whole lot of pain, broken relationships and a heart more void of substance than ever before.
It wasn't until my 'heart work' began that any lasting results came to the fore, and this certainly didn't happen without an internal fight like none I'd ever experienced before. I believe 'heart work' is one of those work in progress situations where there's no destination to reach and where the constant evolving is what grows and sustains us. I know I'm not alone.
Let me just say though, it isn't for the faint of heart!
Sadly, I've lost some valued friends along the way and extended family ties have often been strained to the point of exhaustion as I've walked my own uniquely designed path and accepted my role in this world as the non-conformist that I am. My inner hippie came out of her tiny little closet and began her often uncoordinated dance, to a tune that apparently only she could hear.
These days, I don't immerse myself in things or activities that pain me....not even to simply please another. I don't have time.
Our time in this world is precious and finite, something that only became 'slap in the face' clear to me after my recovery.
What I do have time for however, is an abundance of love and quality interactions with others. I have time for sharing my humanness with an open heart, warts and all and I have time to listen with the same open heart to the realness of others as we walk this path home together.
Today, I'm proud to say, I'm 50. I made it!
Today, December 13th 2014, I'm grateful.
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